Your Horoscopes
Your Horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will start to suspect your husband of once again taking you to the circus instead of the ballet next week, when "The Sabre Dance," a movement usually found in the final act of Aram Khachaturian's Gayane, is played not only at the start of the show, but repeatedly throughout.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
In a heartbreaking county-fair mix-up, a blueberry pie, lovingly baked by your elderly mother and entered into competition, will be savagely devoured two booths over by 235-pound pie-eating champion Chuck "Crazy Jaws" Brewer in less than nine seconds.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
They say pitying the homeless is just as bad, if not worse, than ignoring them—still no word on throwing food at them while laughing derisively.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Always on the lookout for more challenging games and puzzles, you'll meet your match next week after the release of the new Rubik's Tesseract, a brainteaser that's impossible to solve in our four-dimensional space-time.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your career as a wacky morning DJ takes a hit next week when the National Water Conservation Association personally asks you to reduce the number of times a day you use the toilet-flushing sound effect.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
With only three months to go, the stars endorse your decision to keep the sex of your baby a surprise. However, the stars aren't so sure about your decision to keep the health, growth, and neurological development of your baby a surprise.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Twenty minutes after you first climb onto the trampoline, your unconscious body will finally bounce to a stop next week, leaving those waiting in line for a turn with mixed feelings.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You can't remember how you first got in trouble with the Japanese Mafia, but constantly mistaking them for the Chinese Mafia sure hasn't helped matters.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A harrowing struggle in which a masked assailant tries to suffocate you with a pillow turns out to be only a dream, or so you'll believe until the terrifying discovery of the pillow in your bed.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
It's funny, after 35 years of marriage you'd think you'd have an easier time identifying your wife's corpse.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The people at the local animal shelter wouldn't think so highly of you if they knew about your taxidermy hobby.
posted by Chef @ 1/26/2006 02:52:00 PM
3 Comments:
I question the validity of this horrorscope...I don't even LIKE the eagles.
I do like the Eagles, but not enough to fork out for a beachball... Trouble -- you're also an Acquarian? Boy, we do have a lot in common...
And thank you Mr. Chef for the linky lurve... i'm all warm and fuzzy now...
Minxxxxxx
Glad to do it
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